Know, Known and Knowing

Two words I hear tossed about a lot are 'love' and 'know'.   Let me share three definitions from Dictionary.com that seem to follow the meaning most intend when using the word 'know'.  I'm listing them in the order they appear:

1. to be cognizant or aware of
2. be acquainted with (a thing, place, person, etc.), as by sight, experience, or report
3. to be able to distinguish, as one from another

We know there is a Biblical meaning which few peoples, if any, use when they say, "I know him."   As a word person or linguist per se, I believe people read more into that word 'know' than there really is.  I would venture so far as to say that the intent they have for using it is not entirely accurate or true. What?

Growing up in Columbus, Georgia, I had 2 very close friends in Lloyd and Mark.  We were in the same classes for K-5 and spent every waking hour together roaming around and outside our neighbor getting into mischief.  We did life together until I moved away after 4th grade.  We knew everything about each other because we were constantly together, except when we were picked up by the police in 4th grade ... it was just Lloyd and me in the backseat of the police car ... but that's another story.  Based on the intent most people have for the word 'know', you could say we knew each other.  We had a deep and intimate knowledge of each other and our families.  That night at the gas station when Mark ran from the police, Lloyd and I knew where he was going.  Sure enough, when the police took me home, Mark was lying on the floor pretending to be asleep.  We never let him live that down.

My days on Guam produced lots of people who knew me intimately and deeply.  When I was finally assigned to a crew we flew together with my entire 3-year tour.  My crew called me "Coca-Cola Ninas" because I was always the Designated Driver.  My enlisted crew knew that if they were out in Olongapo on liberty that I was in my room by the phone ready to be a taxi service with no questions.  One of the pilots became an aircraft commander at the same time I achieved my Senior Tactical Evaluator Qualification.  Steve and I always roomed together on detachments, made decisions on mission and personnel together.   We became of the same mind, such that if you asked either of us a question, we could answer for each other with 100% accuracy.   Never met his wife, didn't and still don't know her name, but knew as much about him or more than his wife.  So I 'knew' Steve, but only apart from his family life.  When we were home on Guam he and I did not hang out or do family things together.  We knew each other very well but were not necessarily friends.

So what is my point?  In the last couple of months, I have had a few people tell me, "I know you very well."  Really? I have a litmus test of sorts for how well I know someone.  Let's call it the Eulogy Test.  If you know me, you know I don't like funerals (and won't have one when I pass ... my wife agrees).  However, when I consider whether I 'know' someone, I ask myself if it would be possible to eulogize them for 15 minutes if I were asked to do so.  If the answer is yes, then I 'know' them pretty well.  If the answer is 'no', then I don't.  We very often confuse acquaintances with friends.  I think we believe that being aware/cognizant of someone or acquainted with them for a long period of time earns us the right to say, 'I know that person' when we really have a surface knowledge of who they are.

I met my friend Joy at an ESOL training.   She makes it a point to 'get to know' everybody she meets. She is full of deep, probing questions about who you are, why you are the way you are, and how you think.    Joy could eulogize me at a funeral and yet we have only met a few times over the past few years, but that time has been spent "getting to know" each other.    The Eulogy Test is a challenge for me.  For those I answer 'no' it is my duty to 'get to know' them better.  This makes some people uncomfortable, but most people want to talk about themselves if we simply ask.

How many people that you say 'I know him/her' could you eulogize?  What are you going to do about it?